It’s my first day living alone in KL ( my folks just went back to Singapore and I could work from home today) and it has been really quiet in the apartment… so quiet that I can hear the slightest sound coming from the tap and the churning of clothes in the washing machine sounds like a tractor chugging along in the field.
And I know that it isn’t the quietness that bothers me so much, the emptiness is so vast. I am officially the only living, breathing… thing in this apartment. Suddenly, this place seems too large for a petite little person who doesn’t even meet the weight requirements to donate blood!
It is but my first day and I shouldn’t compare my ability to adapt with others who have gone before me. The thing is, it is difficult not to do so. No one has openly talked about how lonely it could feel at the start or how odd it feels to be the only living breathing person in the entire apartment. It could be for many reasons… they’ve not felt it, they don’t think it is worth talking about, they don’t want to bring up the bad stuff… and I come from a very different place. My home has once been described by someone very dear as a ” community centre”. At full strength, we have 1 man, 7 women, 1 dog and 1 cat. At the minimum, there’s ( okay…. my washing machine is shaking very violently now…. like it is hyperventilating… I am not sure that’s normal…. uhhhh…. okay it stopped. omg are all 3-in-1s so crazy?!) the dog and the cat - both fully capable conversationalists.
But adapt I shall. And I do look forward to this growing up business, actually. And I daresay, it isn’t just about growing up, it’s having a glimpse of what it is like to be a working mum. It is very time consuming cooking and cleaning for one - can’t imagine doing this for an entire household, on top of all the other mummy duties! Unilever should be endorsed by the government.
Above the emptiness and quietness in the apartment, lies the deepest fear I have in KL, the fear of compromised safety. This city is teeming with lawless people who don’t just steal, they kill. Recently, a lady was making some preparations for a company event at a park, placing markers as she walked. Her husband was walking in front of her and she was with her daughter. A few men on bikes stabbed her twice from the back and again at the thighs just the ensure she doesn’t manage to get help… they stole her pouch which contained nothing but markers. In a related but separate incident in Phnom Penh, a lady volunteer who fulfilled the role of relief principal at a school was stabbed 3 times in her throat by robbers, who were the very same construction workers building the school compound. In society’s eyes, these women were considered as good and righteous… it all seems unfair that they should be brutally murdered this way. But we live in a sinful, sick, disgusting world. Anything can happen.
People tell me that everything is okay, God is with me and I fully believe that. I know that God is with me and I also know that being a Christian doesn’t mean that no one can harm us. We don’t wear an invisible coat or impenetrable chest plate. We are as susceptible to danger as anyone else. Rape? Murder? Robbery? It’s not why me but why NOT me? What differentiates us is how we cope with the aftermath of a bad incident - who we put our hope in and why. In the best situations, we thank God for His protection, for letting harm slip us by.
I am not sure if this is the right approach or how I should do this but I pray for safety and that if harm comes my way, that I won’t question God, I will put my hope in Him to see me through, eventually I will experience peace and joy again.
Shepherd of my soul, I give you full control
Wherever you may lead, I will follow
I have made the choice to listen to your voice
Wherever you may lead, I will go
Be it in a quiet pasture, or by a gentle stream
The Shepherd of my soul is by side
Should I face a mighty mountain
Or a valley dark and deep
The Shepherd of my soul will be my guide
I don’t know what the future holds but God, please make my 4 months here worth it, according to Your standards. And keep me safe, please I beg. If something should happen, please help me keep my Faith alive in You.
I just want to say that I am going to Shanghai for 12 months next year and I am rather terrified of the thought of being away.
I think that only Ian is active on tumblr… Hi Ian!! Come visit!!
I know I am committing social suicide here but somethings you just gotta let out.
I thought about the people I judged today and how horrible it is that I was judging people who were, more or less, total strangers to me. It is disgusting how sinful I am, judging people for the slightest thing that doesn’t gain my favour. The first person I judged, I judged merely based on the outfit, which looked like it was taken off a magazine with all the elements of an on-trend chic geek. I had a problem with it because it looked pretentious. And I made the conclusion that the person must be insincere and fake because of the pretentious outfit.
I also judged everyone I drove past at Geylang tonight. They must be filthy men… they aren’t any good.
I think the reason I judge people I don’t know so harshly is that I do not love them. The people I love, I really love and no matter what they do or say, I believe I respond with love. I try my best to translate my love into action, which although I don’t always succeed, ’ at least’ I don’t judge out of no-love. Love your enemies - I need to love people I find difficult to love ( which seems to be like a lot of people since a lot of people are strangers to me) and I think only God can give me this abundance of love.
So, I want to say sorry to the people I have so stupidly and selfishly judged. I was wrong. I am not better than you. I am no less a sinner than you are. I know that it doesn’t quite make sense to say it here because only a handful of friends read this but it feels like it’s something because this is on public space?
Me: Hey, do you like my nails?
Jon: Yea, but I like them better with the rim…
Me: Rim? you mean a french mani?
Jon: I don’t know….
Love it when guys are clueless!!!
I need to talk about the man at Wimbly Lu who ’ healed’ the hearing impaired waiter and almost coerced him into taking off his hearing aid. ’ Can you hear me? CAN YOU HEAR ME?’
I don’t think it was Christ-like at all. That’s not how Christ healed.
But it isn’t wise to talk about it now.
Every now and then, I feel that I need to publicly confess a few things because if I don’t say them out loud ( I bet only a handful of people will read this ’ confession’ but it is still public!), I’d be fake. This is not a rant or targeted at anyone… it’s just how I feel towards certain topics.
1. On Marriage
I am not sure if it is mere coincidence or it really is time I start planning for my marriage at the ripe old age of 24… but I’ve been asked when my wedding will be every week for the past month or so. Well, I don’t know and I don’t plan to get married soon because I am not prepared for it and I do lack the maturity for such an endless commitment. When I do decide that I will marry the unfortunate/fortunate man I love, I will announce it to the whole world because I am sure I won’t be able to contain our joy ;)
2. On favours
I think that if a favour is to be asked, it should be asked in a straight forward manner. That’s how I would like to be asked! ’ Candice, can u help me peel my egg shells?’ ’ SURE!’ Having said that, I understand that asking for favours is usually difficult for most people so small talk is required to reduce the awkwardness. ( but I think it makes things more awkward!)
3. On living
I need to find something exciting to do during the week… like take up oil painting or start fencing again.
I dreamt that I was a vampire and the vampire clan convened to discuss which vampire we would kill to eat. We had run out of food. I was very smart and suggested to buy some meat from the supermarket in the meantime. The head vampire found me very smart.
Why do people chat very enthusiastically and suddenly grow silent? Did the conversation get boring?
I hope you aren’t surprised that I really did plot the graph!